i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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