your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
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I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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