So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
