Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
