Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My life is pants optional.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
