You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
