My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize