my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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