I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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