Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
