I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
