Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize