You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
