I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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