I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
