I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
