Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
