me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
