So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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