Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
