The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
