If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
