I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
