It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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