she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
