Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
