Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Your dad touched me again.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I want to fling myself into the sun
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
