WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
