i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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