seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
