I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
