Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
don't judge my taste in strippers
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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