he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
