I wish I could punch you in the face.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
