Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
