His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
