Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
