trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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