Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
im six kinds of drunk right now
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
