omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
