Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
