My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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