I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
