I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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