you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
