You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
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I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
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So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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