I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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