I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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