Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
