There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
