that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
