can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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