I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
