I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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