Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
