Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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