I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
