found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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