my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
