she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
